Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
