I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
