That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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