I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
