first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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