Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
