so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
How does one acquire holy water?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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