My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
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