ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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