Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
