Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
