My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize