hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
