So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize