I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
