The maid of honor just puked.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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