beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
