everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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