this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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