I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
