sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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