i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
