This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
