she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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