I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
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