You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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