she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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