I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
