I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
