She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
