By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
