Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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