After last night, I could never be a politician.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
