Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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