I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
