i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i already hear my dad disowning me
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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