I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize