I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
