She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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