the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
