Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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