Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
