I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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