Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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