I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I think i got beer on your cat.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize