Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
