Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
