my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
