just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
