I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
