my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Everyone says I win the strip club
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
