I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
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The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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