I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
