ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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