she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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