The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize