I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
