i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
