im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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