he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
