u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
