im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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