On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
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